Why People Pleasing Isn't Helpful for Anyone

A little self reflection reveals a better way to support others

“Don’t be your sunny self.”

I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car, dressed up for a Friday night group dinner date with friends, as we pulled out of the driveway and headed to the local restaurant. Just before my first husband issued that proclamation, I’d been feeling content, excited, anticipatory. A lovely cocktail of pleasant mixed emotions for a working mom of 3 looking forward to an evening out with friends to unwind and catch up.

It’s been over 3 decades, yet I can feel my way back into that memory, as viscerally as when it first occurred. I shifted in that warm car seat, moving from my inner state of calm and happiness to one that felt both uncomfortable and all too familiar. That inner tug of war between my natural authentic self and the people pleasing self that changes on demand.

Misery loves company.

My first husband was in fact miserable and he wanted me to match his state of being. He was unhappy, distraught and wrestling with himself. He was feeling uncomfortable and distressed about facing his buddies at our weekly Friday night dinner date. He wanted me to get onboard, so that we would be some sort of united force when we joined our friends.

But I was clueless about what he was feeling. And why would me matching his grumpiness help the situation?

People pleasers rarely stop to ask these probing and insightful questions. What I asked instead was — “What’s wrong?”

He proceeded to tell me that he was pretty darned mad about losing a match the guys had at the shooting range the night before. On Thursday evenings, the guys would routinely get together at the local shooting range and challenge each other - for fun. And it was a known fact that my first husband could be a pretty sore loser. So he was an easy target for ribbing and he’d had more than his fair share the night before. He was still stuck ruminating about it as we drove to dinner. He was bracing for his buddies to pick up where they left off. He wanted me to deflect the taunting.

In his mind, if I walked in not being my sunny self, the guys might turn their attention to “what’s wrong with Amy?” He could dodge a bullet. He wanted me to “take one for the team”.

What I can tell you about that night, in hindsight, is that our well-honed patterns of behavior did not produce a good outcome. We were solving for all the wrong problems by relying on typical defense mechanisms to avoid his emotional pain and my discomfort from contortions of people pleasing. Neither one of us was able to really be ourselves and we did not have fun. I spent a fair amount of time that night in the bathroom trying to pull myself together. We both left the dinner party feeling worse than we did on the drive over.

As I sit here today, telling the tale through the clear lenses of hindsight, I recognize that my first marriage was full of opportunities to change in healthy ways, but we missed them. We simply changed into the roles we knew best and never grew from our experiences.

What might have changed if I had made a personal decision that Friday night not to let go of the good feelings I was experiencing in that car drive to the restaurant? What if I had known about co-regulation and validating someone’s experience?

Could I have used my natural sunny self as an anchor for my own values and reminded myself not to let go of who I am at the very core, when my partner is in struggle; when he was floundering in his cocktail of mixed emotions and feeling a lot of discomfort?

What if I had greater relational awareness and capacity? What if I had leaned into curiosity and asked him to tell me more about the night before?

Admittedly, I was judgmental back then. I probably even did an inner eye roll as I shifted in my discomfort into people pleasing. I am sure that my inner voice was crossing her arms and saying “Here we go again”. The only way I could feel safe when my first husband was stewing in big emotions, was to shrink up and dim my light. I was turning off the very attributes and strengths that could have helped us both.

My first husband was a sore loser. He rarely was able to offer congratulations to his buddies who had a good night, who were on their A game. He let his personal envy get in the way of being happy for them. They were over it. They banded together when one of them unseated my first husband from first place. He was an easy target for good-natured banter. He took it so personally. It was not a reflection on him, his prowess or standing in the group. However, his predictable reaction did speak volumes about him.

Had I possessed the knowledge, skills and tools I do today, that pivotal moment in the car on Friday night, could have shifted us both in transformational ways.

I could have listened to understand his big feelings of disappointment, discomfort and envy. I could have validated them for they were real. And I could have helped him “right-size” his feelings, his reactive nature, and put that shooting competition into perspective. After all, it was for fun. It was not a test of his overall self worth. These guys had been friends for years. This was an activity and the competitive nature of it helped them all improve their skills.

Imagine if I could have validated, reframed and put things in perspective. Imagine if I had reached across and touched his arm, conveyed that we were a team, and that I had his back. That I could support him in a strong and healthy way instead of people pleasing. What if we had walked into that dinner date holding hands and laughing? The best versions of ourselves showing up for our friends.

We are learning that our relationships, especially marriages and parenting, are the ones where we make the most compelling self discoveries. But we don’t know what we don’t know. Back then, over three decades ago, I knew nothing about people pleasing or shape shifting. However, it all did come quite naturally to me - for I learned it as a kid and it served me well. Until it didn’t.

That Friday night so many years ago was living proof that people pleasing was no longer working for me. The fact that I can recall that moment and relive today as viscerally as when it actually occurred, tells me all I need to know. I missed the life lesson.

I went from feeling so authentic, comfortable in my own skin, to putting on a different costume that felt awful. I was having an internal tug of war by shifting away from who I really am at the core. I am at my best when I am my sunny self.

I offer this personal vignette to you today as a wake up call. Don’t miss the life lessons when they are presented to you. Don’t miss the chance to ditch what is no longer working and step into your agency, how you really want to feel in any given situation.

Begin to take seriously the work of self-knowledge and self-discovery. Look for your well-honed patterns of behavior. Are they working for you? How often do you find yourself solving for short term discomfort? Are you stuck in a rut of same old, same old?

Personal growth and self-discovery are the gifts of a lifetime. Lifelong learning about yourself through partnerships and parenting will help you grow forward in astounding ways.

Look for a pivot point of your own this week. Be willing to try life skills and relational tools instead of old patterns of behavior.